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n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. Among the Jews observance of the day was enforced by a Commandment of which this is the Christian version: "Remember the seventh day to make thy neighbor keep it wholly." To the Creator it seemed fit and expedient that the Sabbath should be the last day of the week, but the Early Fathers of the Church held other views. So great is the sanctity of the day that even where the Lord holds a doubtful and precarious jurisdiction over those who go down to (and down into) the sea it is reverently recognized, as is manifest in the following deep-water version of the Fourth Commandment:
    Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able,

    And on the seventh holystone the deck and scrape the cable.

    Decks are no longer holystoned, but the cable still supplies the

captain with opportunity to attest a pious respect for the divine


n. One who holds the belief that a clergyman is a priest. Denial of this momentous doctrine is the hardest challenge that is now flung into the teeth of the Episcopalian church by the Neo-Dictionarians.
n. A solemn religious ceremony to which several degrees of authority and significance are attached. Rome has seven sacraments, but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they can afford only two, and these of inferior sanctity. Some of the smaller sects have no sacraments at all -- for which mean economy they will indubitable be damned.
adj. Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a divine character; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as, the Dalai Lama of Thibet; the Moogum of M'bwango; the temple of Apes in Ceylon; the Cow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt; the Mufti of Moosh; the hair of the dog that bit Noah, etc.
    All things are either sacred or profane.

    The former to ecclesiasts bring gain;

    The latter to the devil appertain.

                                                       Dumbo Omohundro

n. A vertebrate mammal holding the political views of Denis Kearney, a notorious demagogue of San Francisco, whose audiences gathered in the open spaces (sandlots) of the town. True to the traditions of his species, this leader of the proletariat was finally bought off by his law-and-order enemies, living prosperously silent and dying impenitently rich. But before his treason he imposed upon California a constitution that was a confection of sin in a diction of solecisms. The similarity between the words "sandlotter" and "sansculotte" is problematically significant, but indubitably suggestive.
n. A mechanical device acting automatically to prevent the fall of an elevator, or cage, in case of an accident to the hoisting apparatus.
    Once I seen a human ruin

        In an elevator-well,

    And his members was bestrewin'

        All the place where he had fell.

    And I says, apostrophisin'

        That uncommon woful wreck:

    "Your position's so surprisin'

        That I tremble for your neck!"

    Then that ruin, smilin' sadly

        And impressive, up and spoke:

    "Well, I wouldn't tremble badly,

        For it's been a fortnight broke."

    Then, for further comprehension

        Of his attitude, he begs

    I will focus my attention

        On his various arms and legs --

    How they all are contumacious;

        Where they each, respective, lie;

    How one trotter proves ungracious,

        T'other one an alibi.

    These particulars is mentioned

        For to show his dismal state,

    Which I wasn't first intentioned

        To specifical relate.

    None is worser to be dreaded

        That I ever have heard tell

    Than the gent's who there was spreaded

        In that elevator-well.

    Now this tale is allegoric --

        It is figurative all,

    For the well is metaphoric

        And the feller didn't fall.

    I opine it isn't moral

        For a writer-man to cheat,

    And despise to wear a laurel

        As was gotten by deceit.

    For 'tis Politics intended

        By the elevator, mind,

    It will boost a person splendid

        If his talent is the kind.

    Col. Bryan had the talent

        (For the busted man is him)

    And it shot him up right gallant

        Till his head begun to swim.

    Then the rope it broke above him

        And he painful come to earth

    Where there's nobody to love him

        For his detrimented worth.

    Though he's livin' none would know him,

        Or at leastwise not as such.

    Moral of this woful poem:

        Frequent oil your safety-clutch.

                                                           Porfer Poog

n. A dead sinner revised and edited.
    The Duchess of Orleans relates that the irreverent old

calumniator, Marshal Villeroi, who in his youth had known St. Francis

de Sales, said, on hearing him called saint:  "I am delighted to hear

that Monsieur de Sales is a saint.  He was fond of saying indelicate

things, and used to cheat at cards.  In other respects he was a

perfect gentleman, though a fool."

n. A certain literary quality frequently observed in popular novels, especially in those written by women and young girls, who give it another name and think that in introducing it they are occupying a neglected field of letters and reaping an overlooked harvest. If they have the misfortune to live long enough they are tormented with a desire to burn their sheaves.
n. Originally a reptile inhabiting fire; later, an anthropomorphous immortal, but still a pyrophile. Salamanders are now believed to be extinct, the last one of which we have an account having been seen in Carcassonne by the Abbe Belloc, who exorcised it with a bucket of holy water.
n. Among the Greeks a coffin which being made of a certain kind of carnivorous stone, had the peculiar property of devouring the body placed in it. The sarcophagus known to modern obsequiographers is commonly a product of the carpenter's art.
n. One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes, repented in sashcloth and axes. Being instated as an archangel, Satan made himself multifariously objectionable and was finally expelled from Heaven. Halfway in his descent he paused, bent his head in thought a moment and at last went back. "There is one favor that I should like to ask," said he.
    "Name it."

    "Man, I understand, is about to be created.  He will need laws."

    "What, wretch! you his appointed adversary, charged from the dawn

of eternity with hatred of his soul -- you ask for the right to make

his laws?"

    "Pardon; what I have to ask is that he be permitted to make them


    It was so ordered.

n. The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eaten its contents, madam.
n. An obsolete kind of literary composition in which the vices and follies of the author's enemies were expounded with imperfect tenderness. In this country satire never had more than a sickly and uncertain existence, for the soul of it is wit, wherein we are dolefully deficient, the humor that we mistake for it, like all humor, being tolerant and sympathetic. Moreover, although Americans are "endowed by their Creator" with abundant vice and folly, it is not generally known that these are reprehensible qualities, wherefore the satirist is popularly regarded as a soul-spirited knave, and his ever victim's outcry for codefendants evokes a national assent.
    Hail Satire! be thy praises ever sung

    In the dead language of a mummy's tongue,

    For thou thyself art dead, and damned as well --

    Thy spirit (usefully employed) in Hell.

    Had it been such as consecrates the Bible

    Thou hadst not perished by the law of libel.

                                                          Barney Stims

n. One of the few characters of the Grecian mythology accorded recognition in the Hebrew. (Leviticus, xvii, 7.) The satyr was at first a member of the dissolute community acknowledging a loose allegiance with Dionysius, but underwent many transformations and improvements. Not infrequently he is confounded with the faun, a later and decenter creation of the Romans, who was less like a man and more like a goat.
n. The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one sauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sauce invented and accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven.
n. A trite popular saying, or proverb. (Figurative and colloquial.) So called because it makes its way into a wooden head. Following are examples of old saws fitted with new teeth.
        A penny saved is a penny to squander.

        A man is known by the company that he organizes.

        A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls him that.

        A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.

        Better late than before anybody has invited you.

        Example is better than following it.

        Half a loaf is better than a whole one if there is much else.

        Think twice before you speak to a friend in need.

        What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to

    do it.

        Least said is soonest disavowed.

        He laughs best who laughs least.

        Speak of the Devil and he will hear about it.

        Of two evils choose to be the least.

        Strike while your employer has a big contract.

        Where there's a will there's a won't.

n. The sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, allied to our familiar "tumble-bug." It was supposed to symbolize immortality, the fact that God knew why giving it its peculiar sanctity. Its habit of incubating its eggs in a ball of ordure may also have commended it to the favor of the priesthood, and may some day assure it an equal reverence among ourselves. True, the American beetle is an inferior beetle, but the American priest is an inferior priest.
n. The same as scarabaeus.
                He fell by his own hand

                    Beneath the great oak tree.

                He'd traveled in a foreign land.

                He tried to make her understand

                The dance that's called the Saraband,

                    But he called it Scarabee.

    He had called it so through an afternoon,

        And she, the light of his harem if so might be,

        Had smiled and said naught.  O the body was fair to see,

    All frosted there in the shine o' the moon --

                        Dead for a Scarabee

    And a recollection that came too late.

                            O Fate!

                    They buried him where he lay,

                    He sleeps awaiting the Day,

                            In state,

    And two Possible Puns, moon-eyed and wan,

    Gloom over the grave and then move on.

                        Dead for a Scarabee!

                                                       Fernando Tapple

n. A form of penance practised by the mediaeval pious. The rite was performed, sometimes with a knife, sometimes with a hot iron, but always, says Arsenius Asceticus, acceptably if the penitent spared himself no pain nor harmless disfigurement. Scarification, with other crude penances, has now been superseded by benefaction. The founding of a library or endowment of a university is said to yield to the penitent a sharper and more lasting pain than is conferred by the knife or iron, and is therefore a surer means of grace. There are, however, two grave objections to it as a penitential method: the good that it does and the taint of justice.
n. A king's staff of office, the sign and symbol of his authority. It was originally a mace with which the sovereign admonished his jester and vetoed ministerial measures by breaking the bones of their proponents.
n. A curved sword of exceeding keenness, in the conduct of which certain Orientals attain a surprising proficiency, as the incident here related will serve to show. The account is translated from the Japanese by Shusi Itama, a famous writer of the thirteenth century.
        When the great Gichi-Kuktai was Mikado he condemned to

    decapitation Jijiji Ri, a high officer of the Court.  Soon after

    the hour appointed for performance of the rite what was his

    Majesty's surprise to see calmly approaching the throne the man

    who should have been at that time ten minutes dead!

        "Seventeen hundred impossible dragons!" shouted the enraged

    monarch.  "Did I not sentence you to stand in the market-place and

    have your head struck off by the public executioner at three

    o'clock?  And is it not now 3:10?"

        "Son of a thousand illustrious deities," answered the

    condemned minister, "all that you say is so true that the truth is

    a lie in comparison.  But your heavenly Majesty's sunny and

    vitalizing wishes have been pestilently disregarded.  With joy I

    ran and placed my unworthy body in the market-place.  The

    executioner appeared with his bare scimetar, ostentatiously

    whirled it in air, and then, tapping me lightly upon the neck,

    strode away, pelted by the populace, with whom I was ever a

    favorite.  I am come to pray for justice upon his own dishonorable

    and treasonous head."

        "To what regiment of executioners does the black-boweled

    caitiff belong?" asked the Mikado.

        "To the gallant Ninety-eight Hundred and Thirty-seventh -- I

    know the man.  His name is Sakko-Samshi."

        "Let him be brought before me," said the Mikado to an

    attendant, and a half-hour later the culprit stood in the


        "Thou bastard son of a three-legged hunchback without thumbs!"

    roared the sovereign -- "why didst thou but lightly tap the neck

    that it should have been thy pleasure to sever?"

        "Lord of Cranes of Cherry Blooms," replied the executioner,

    unmoved, "command him to blow his nose with his fingers."

        Being commanded, Jijiji Ri laid hold of his nose and trumpeted

    like an elephant, all expecting to see the severed head flung

    violently from him.  Nothing occurred:  the performance prospered

    peacefully to the close, without incident.

        All eyes were now turned on the executioner, who had grown as

    white as the snows on the summit of Fujiama.  His legs trembled

    and his breath came in gasps of terror.

        "Several kinds of spike-tailed brass lions!" he cried; "I am a

    ruined and disgraced swordsman!  I struck the villain feebly

    because in flourishing the scimetar I had accidentally passed it

    through my own neck!  Father of the Moon, I resign my office."

        So saying, he gasped his top-knot, lifted off his head, and

    advancing to the throne laid it humbly at the Mikado's feet.

n. A book that is commonly edited by a fool. Many persons of some small distinction compile scrap-books containing whatever they happen to read about themselves or employ others to collect. One of these egotists was addressed in the lines following, by Agamemnon Melancthon Peters:
    Dear Frank, that scrap-book where you boast

        You keep a record true

    Of every kind of peppered roast

            That's made of you;

    Wherein you paste the printed gibes

        That revel round your name,

    Thinking the laughter of the scribes

            Attests your fame;

    Where all the pictures you arrange

        That comic pencils trace --

    Your funny figure and your strange

            Semitic face --

    Pray lend it me.  Wit I have not,

        Nor art, but there I'll list

    The daily drubbings you'd have got

            Had God a fist.

n. A professional writer whose views are antagonistic to one's own.
n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
n. A mark impressed upon certain kinds of documents to attest their authenticity and authority. Sometimes it is stamped upon wax, and attached to the paper, sometimes into the paper itself. Sealing, in this sense, is a survival of an ancient custom of inscribing important papers with cabalistic words or signs to give them a magical efficacy independent of the authority that they represent. In the British museum are preserved many ancient papers, mostly of a sacerdotal character, validated by necromantic pentagrams and other devices, frequently initial letters of words to conjure with; and in many instances these are attached in the same way that seals are appended now. As nearly every reasonless and apparently meaningless custom, rite or observance of modern times had origin in some remote utility, it is pleasing to note an example of ancient nonsense evolving in the process of ages into something really useful. Our word "sincere" is derived from sine cero, without wax, but the learned are not in agreement as to whether this refers to the absence of the cabalistic signs, or to that of the wax with which letters were formerly closed from public scrutiny. Either view of the matter will serve one in immediate need of an hypothesis. The initials L.S., commonly appended to signatures of legal documents, mean locum sigillis, the place of the seal, although the seal is no longer used -- an admirable example of conservatism distinguishing Man from the beasts that perish. The words locum sigillis are humbly suggested as a suitable motto for the Pribyloff Islands whenever they shall take their place as a sovereign State of the American Union.
n. A kind of net for effecting an involuntary change of environment. For fish it is made strong and coarse, but women are more easily taken with a singularly delicate fabric weighted with small, cut stones.
    The devil casting a seine of lace,

        (With precious stones 'twas weighted)

    Drew it into the landing place

        And its contents calculated.

    All souls of women were in that sack --

        A draft miraculous, precious!

    But ere he could throw it across his back

        They'd all escaped through the meshes.

                                                      Baruch de Loppis

n. An erroneous appraisement.
adj. Evident to one's self and to nobody else.
adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors.
n. A literary work, usually a story that is not true, creeping through several issues of a newspaper or magazine. Frequently appended to each installment is a "synposis of preceding chapters" for those who have not read them, but a direr need is a synposis of succeeding chapters for those who do not intend to read them. A synposis of the entire work would be still better.
    The late James F. Bowman was writing a serial tale for a weekly

paper in collaboration with a genius whose name has not come down to

us.  They wrote, not jointly but alternately, Bowman supplying the

installment for one week, his friend for the next, and so on, world

without end, they hoped.  Unfortunately they quarreled, and one Monday

morning when Bowman read the paper to prepare himself for his task, he

found his work cut out for him in a way to surprise and pain him.  His

collaborator had embarked every character of the narrative on a ship

and sunk them all in the deepest part of the Atlantic.

n. Separateness, as, lands in severalty, i.e., lands held individually, not in joint ownership. Certain tribes of Indians are believed now to be sufficiently civilized to have in severalty the lands that they have hitherto held as tribal organizations, and could not sell to the Whites for waxen beads and potato whiskey.
    Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mind

    Saw death before, hell and the grave behind;

    Whom thrifty settler ne'er besought to stay --

    His small belongings their appointed prey;

    Whom Dispossession, with alluring wile,

    Persuaded elsewhere every little while!

    His fire unquenched and his undying worm

    By "land in severalty" (charming term!)

    Are cooled and killed, respectively, at last,

    And he to his new holding anchored fast!

n. In America the chief executive office of a country, whose most characteristic duties, in some of the Western and Southern States, are the catching and hanging of rogues.
    John Elmer Pettibone Cajee

    (I write of him with little glee)

    Was just as bad as he could be.

    'Twas frequently remarked:  "I swon!

    The sun has never looked upon

    So bad a man as Neighbor John."

    A sinner through and through, he had

    This added fault:  it made him mad

    To know another man was bad.

    In such a case he thought it right

    To rise at any hour of night

    And quench that wicked person's light.

    Despite the town's entreaties, he

    Would hale him to the nearest tree

    And leave him swinging wide and free.

    Or sometimes, if the humor came,

    A luckless wight's reluctant frame

    Was given to the cheerful flame.

    While it was turning nice and brown,

    All unconcerned John met the frown

    Of that austere and righteous town.

    "How sad," his neighbors said, "that he

    So scornful of the law should be --

    An anar c, h, i, s, t."

    (That is the way that they preferred

    To utter the abhorrent word,

    So strong the aversion that it stirred.)

    "Resolved," they said, continuing,

    "That Badman John must cease this thing

    Of having his unlawful fling.

    "Now, by these sacred relics" -- here

    Each man had out a souvenir

    Got at a lynching yesteryear --

    "By these we swear he shall forsake

    His ways, nor cause our hearts to ache

    By sins of rope and torch and stake.

    "We'll tie his red right hand until

    He'll have small freedom to fulfil

    The mandates of his lawless will."

    So, in convention then and there,

    They named him Sheriff.  The affair

    Was opened, it is said, with prayer.

                                                     J. Milton Sloluck

n. One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain attempt to dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave. Figuratively, any lady of splendid promise, dissembled purpose and disappointing performance.
n. The grunt of the human hog (Pignoramus intolerabilis) with an audible memory. The speech of one who utters with his tongue what he thinks with his ear, and feels the pride of a creator in accomplishing the feat of a parrot. A means (under Providence) of setting up as a wit without a capital of sense.
n. A fragment, a decomponent part, a remain. The word is used variously, but in the following verse on a noted female reformer who opposed bicycle-riding by women because it "led them to the devil" it is seen at its best:
    The wheels go round without a sound --

        The maidens hold high revel;

    In sinful mood, insanely gay,

    True spinsters spin adown the way

        From duty to the devil!

    They laugh, they sing, and -- ting-a-ling!

        Their bells go all the morning;

    Their lanterns bright bestar the night

        Pedestrians a-warning.

    With lifted hands Miss Charlotte stands,

        Good-Lording and O-mying,

    Her rheumatism forgotten quite,

        Her fat with anger frying.

    She blocks the path that leads to wrath,

        Jack Satan's power defying.

    The wheels go round without a sound

        The lights burn red and blue and green.

    What's this that's found upon the ground?

        Poor Charlotte Smith's a smithareen!

                                                     John William Yope

n. The controversial method of an opponent, distinguished from one's own by superior insincerity and fooling. This method is that of the later Sophists, a Grecian sect of philosophers who began by teaching wisdom, prudence, science, art and, in brief, whatever men ought to know, but lost themselves in a maze of quibbles and a fog of words.
    His bad opponent's "facts" he sweeps away,

    And drags his sophistry to light of day;

    Then swears they're pushed to madness who resort

    To falsehood of so desperate a sort.

    Not so; like sods upon a dead man's breast,

    He lies most lightly who the least is pressed.

                                                        Polydore Smith

n. The ancient prototype and forerunner of political influence. It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimes was punished by torture and death. Augustine Nicholas relates that a poor peasant who had been accused of sorcery was put to the torture to compel a confession. After enduring a few gentle agonies the suffering simpleton admitted his guilt, but naively asked his tormentors if it were not possible to be a sorcerer without knowing it.
n. A spiritual entity concerning which there hath been brave disputation. Plato held that those souls which in a previous state of existence (antedating Athens) had obtained the clearest glimpses of eternal truth entered into the bodies of persons who became philosophers. Plato himself was a philosopher. The souls that had least contemplated divine truth animated the bodies of usurpers and despots. Dionysius I, who had threatened to decapitate the broad- browed philosopher, was a usurper and a despot. Plato, doubtless, was not the first to construct a system of philosophy that could be quoted against his enemies; certainly he was not the last.
    "Concerning the nature of the soul," saith the renowned author of

Diversiones Sanctorum, "there hath been hardly more argument than

that of its place in the body.  Mine own belief is that the soul hath

her seat in the abdomen -- in which faith we may discern and interpret

a truth hitherto unintelligible, namely that the glutton is of all men

most devout.  He is said in the Scripture to 'make a god of his belly'

-- why, then, should he not be pious, having ever his Deity with him

to freshen his faith?  Who so well as he can know the might and

majesty that he shrines?  Truly and soberly, the soul and the stomach

are one Divine Entity; and such was the belief of Promasius, who

nevertheless erred in denying it immortality.  He had observed that

its visible and material substance failed and decayed with the rest of

the body after death, but of its immaterial essence he knew nothing.

This is what we call the Appetite, and it survives the wreck and reek

of mortality, to be rewarded or punished in another world, according

to what it hath demanded in the flesh.  The Appetite whose coarse

clamoring was for the unwholesome viands of the general market and the

public refectory shall be cast into eternal famine, whilst that which

firmly through civilly insisted on ortolans, caviare, terrapin,

anchovies, pates de foie gras and all such Christian comestibles

shall flesh its spiritual tooth in the souls of them forever and ever,

and wreak its divine thirst upon the immortal parts of the rarest and

richest wines ever quaffed here below.  Such is my religious faith,

though I grieve to confess that neither His Holiness the Pope nor His

Grace the Archbishop of Canterbury (whom I equally and profoundly

revere) will assent to its dissemination."

n. A writer whose imagination concerns itself with supernatural phenomena, especially in the doings of spooks. One of the most illustrious spookers of our time is Mr. William D. Howells, who introduces a well-credentialed reader to as respectable and mannerly a company of spooks as one could wish to meet. To the terror that invests the chairman of a district school board, the Howells ghost adds something of the mystery enveloping a farmer from another township.
n. A narrative, commonly untrue. The truth of the stories here following has, however, not been successfully impeached.
    One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seated

at dinner alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic.

    "Mr. Pollard," said he, "my book, The Biography of a Dead Cow,

is published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of its

authorship.  Yet in reviewing it you speak of it as the work of the

Idiot of the Century.  Do you think that fair criticism?"

    "I am very sorry, sir," replied the critic, amiably, "but it did

not occur to me that you really might not wish the public to know who

wrote it."

    Mr. W.C. Morrow, who used to live in San Jose, California, was

addicted to writing ghost stories which made the reader feel as if a

stream of lizards, fresh from the ice, were streaking it up his back

and hiding in his hair.  San Jose was at that time believed to be

haunted by the visible spirit of a noted bandit named Vasquez, who had

been hanged there.  The town was not very well lighted, and it is

putting it mildly to say that San Jose was reluctant to be out o'

nights.  One particularly dark night two gentlemen were abroad in the

loneliest spot within the city limits, talking loudly to keep up their

courage, when they came upon Mr. J.J. Owen, a well-known journalist.

    "Why, Owen," said one, "what brings you here on such a night as

this?  You told me that this is one of Vasquez' favorite haunts!  And

you are a believer.  Aren't you afraid to be out?"

    "My dear fellow," the journalist replied with a drear autumnal

cadence in his speech, like the moan of a leaf-laden wind, "I am

afraid to be in.  I have one of Will Morrow's stories in my pocket and

I don't dare to go where there is light enough to read it."

    Rear-Admiral Schley and Representative Charles F. Joy were

standing near the Peace Monument, in Washington, discussing the

question, Is success a failure?  Mr. Joy suddenly broke off in the

middle of an eloquent sentence, exclaiming:  "Hello!  I've heard that

band before.  Santlemann's, I think."

    "I don't hear any band," said Schley.

    "Come to think, I don't either," said Joy; "but I see General

Miles coming down the avenue, and that pageant always affects me in

the same way as a brass band.  One has to scrutinize one's impressions

pretty closely, or one will mistake their origin."

    While the Admiral was digesting this hasty meal of philosophy

General Miles passed in review, a spectacle of impressive dignity.

When the tail of the seeming procession had passed and the two

observers had recovered from the transient blindness caused by its

effulgence --

    "He seems to be enjoying himself," said the Admiral.

    "There is nothing," assented Joy, thoughtfully, "that he enjoys

one-half so well."

    The illustrious statesman, Champ Clark, once lived about a mile

from the village of Jebigue, in Missouri.  One day he rode into town

on a favorite mule, and, hitching the beast on the sunny side of a

street, in front of a saloon, he went inside in his character of

teetotaler, to apprise the barkeeper that wine is a mocker.  It was a

dreadfully hot day.  Pretty soon a neighbor came in and seeing Clark,


    "Champ, it is not right to leave that mule out there in the sun.

He'll roast, sure! -- he was smoking as I passed him."

    "O, he's all right," said Clark, lightly; "he's an inveterate


    The neighbor took a lemonade, but shook his head and repeated that

it was not right.

    He was a conspirator.  There had been a fire the night before:  a

stable just around the corner had burned and a number of horses had

put on their immortality, among them a young colt, which was roasted

to a rich nut-brown.  Some of the boys had turned Mr. Clark's mule

loose and substituted the mortal part of the colt.  Presently another

man entered the saloon.

    "For mercy's sake!" he said, taking it with sugar, "do remove that

mule, barkeeper:  it smells."

    "Yes," interposed Clark, "that animal has the best nose in

Missouri.  But if he doesn't mind, you shouldn't."

    In the course of human events Mr. Clark went out, and there,

apparently, lay the incinerated and shrunken remains of his charger.

The boys idd not have any fun out of Mr. Clarke, who looked at the

body and, with the non-committal expression to which he owes so much

of his political preferment, went away.  But walking home late that

night he saw his mule standing silent and solemn by the wayside in the

misty moonlight.  Mentioning the name of Helen Blazes with uncommon

emphasis, Mr. Clark took the back track as hard as ever he could hook

it, and passed the night in town.

    General H.H. Wotherspoon, president of the Army War College, has a

pet rib-nosed baboon, an animal of uncommon intelligence but

imperfectly beautiful.  Returning to his apartment one evening, the

General was surprised and pained to find Adam (for so the creature is

named, the general being a Darwinian) sitting up for him and wearing

his master's best uniform coat, epaulettes and all.

    "You confounded remote ancestor!" thundered the great strategist,

"what do you mean by being out of bed after naps? -- and with my coat


    Adam rose and with a reproachful look got down on all fours in the

manner of his kind and, scuffling across the room to a table, returned

with a visiting-card:  General Barry had called and, judging by an

empty champagne bottle and several cigar-stumps, had been hospitably

entertained while waiting.  The general apologized to his faithful

progenitor and retired.  The next day he met General Barry, who said:

    "Spoon, old man, when leaving you last evening I forgot to ask you

about those excellent cigars.  Where did you get them?"

    General Wotherspoon did not deign to reply, but walked away.

    "Pardon me, please," said Barry, moving after him; "I was joking

of course.  Why, I knew it was not you before I had been in the room

fifteen minutes."

n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows. In literature, and particularly in poetry, the elements of success are exceedingly simple, and are admirably set forth in the following lines by the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape, entitled, for some mysterious reason, "John A. Joyce."
    The bard who would prosper must carry a book,

        Do his thinking in prose and wear

    A crimson cravat, a far-away look

        And a head of hexameter hair.

    Be thin in your thought and your body'll be fat;

    If you wear your hair long you needn't your hat.

n. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means, as commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of another man's choice, and is highly prized. Refusal to do so has the bad name of "incivism." The incivilian, however, cannot be properly arraigned for his crime, for there is no legitimate accuser. If the accuser is himself guilty he has no standing in the court of opinion; if not, he profits by the crime, for A's abstention from voting gives greater weight to the vote of B. By female suffrage is meant the right of a woman to vote as some man tells her to. It is based on female responsibility, which is somewhat limited. The woman most eager to jump out of her petticoat to assert her rights is first to jump back into it when threatened with a switching for misusing them.
n. One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that he may not be commanded to turn and be kicked. He is sometimes an editor.
    As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleased

    To fix itself upon a part diseased

    Till, its black hide distended with bad blood,

    It drops to die of surfeit in the mud,

    So the base sycophant with joy descries

    His neighbor's weak spot and his mouth applies,

    Gorges and prospers like the leech, although,

    Unlike that reptile, he will not let go.

    Gelasma, if it paid you to devote

    Your talent to the service of a goat,

    Showing by forceful logic that its beard

    Is more than Aaron's fit to be revered;

    If to the task of honoring its smell

    Profit had prompted you, and love as well,

    The world would benefit at last by you

    And wealthy malefactors weep anew --

    Your favor for a moment's space denied

    And to the nobler object turned aside.

    Is't not enough that thrifty millionaires

    Who loot in freight and spoliate in fares,

    Or, cursed with consciences that bid them fly

    To safer villainies of darker dye,

    Forswearing robbery and fain, instead,

    To steal (they call it "cornering") our bread

    May see you groveling their boots to lick

    And begging for the favor of a kick?

    Still must you follow to the bitter end

    Your sycophantic disposition's trend,

    And in your eagerness to please the rich

    Hunt hungry sinners to their final ditch?

    In Morgan's praise you smite the sounding wire,

    And sing hosannas to great Havemeyher!

    What's Satan done that him you should eschew?

    He too is reeking rich -- deducting you.

n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor assumption and an inconsequent. (See LOGIC.)
n. An immaterial but visible being that inhabited the air when the air was an element and before it was fatally polluted with factory smoke, sewer gas and similar products of civilization. Sylphs were allied to gnomes, nymphs and salamanders, which dwelt, respectively, in earth, water and fire, all now insalubrious. Sylphs, like fowls of the air, were male and female, to no purpose, apparently, for if they had progeny they must have nested in accessible places, none of the chicks having ever been seen.
n. Something that is supposed to typify or stand for something else. Many symbols are mere "survivals" -- things which having no longer any utility continue to exist because we have inherited the tendency to make them; as funereal urns carved on memorial monuments. They were once real urns holding the ashes of the dead. We cannot stop making them, but we can give them a name that conceals our helplessness.
adj. Pertaining to symbols and the use and interpretation of symbols.
    They say 'tis conscience feels compunction;

    I hold that that's the stomach's function,

    For of the sinner I have noted

    That when he's sinned he's somewhat bloated,

    Or ill some other ghastly fashion

    Within that bowel of compassion.

    True, I believe the only sinner

    Is he that eats a shabby dinner.

    You know how Adam with good reason,

    For eating apples out of season,

    Was "cursed."  But that is all symbolic:

    The truth is, Adam had the colic.



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the twentieth letter of the English alphabet, was by the Greeks absurdly called tau. In the alphabet whence ours comes it had the form of the rude corkscrew of the period, and when it stood alone (which was more than the Phoenicians could always do) signified Tallegal, translated by the learned Dr. Brownrigg, "tanglefoot."
n. A caterer's thrifty concession to the universal passion for irresponsibility.
    Old Paunchinello, freshly wed,

        Took Madam P. to table,

    And there deliriously fed

        As fast as he was able.

    "I dote upon good grub," he cried,

        Intent upon its throatage.

    "Ah, yes," said the neglected bride,

        "You're in your table d'hotage."

                                                      Associated Poets

n. The part of an animal's spine that has transcended its natural limitations to set up an independent existence in a world of its own. Excepting in its foetal state, Man is without a tail, a privation of which he attests an hereditary and uneasy consciousness by the coat-skirt of the male and the train of the female, and by a marked tendency to ornament that part of his attire where the tail should be, and indubitably once was. This tendency is most observable in the female of the species, in whom the ancestral sense is strong and persistent. The tailed men described by Lord Monboddo are now generally regarded as a product of an imagination unusually susceptible to influences generated in the golden age of our pithecan past.
v.t. To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.
v.t. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an impulse without purpose.
n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.
    The Enemy of Human Souls

    Sat grieving at the cost of coals;

    For Hell had been annexed of late,

    And was a sovereign Southern State.

    "It were no more than right," said he,

    "That I should get my fuel free.

    The duty, neither just nor wise,

    Compels me to economize --

    Whereby my broilers, every one,

    Are execrably underdone.

    What would they have? -- although I yearn

    To do them nicely to a turn,

    I can't afford an honest heat.

    This tariff makes even devils cheat!

    I'm ruined, and my humble trade

    All rascals may at will invade:

    Beneath my nose the public press

    Outdoes me in sulphureousness;

    The bar ingeniously applies

    To my undoing my own lies;

    My medicines the doctors use

    (Albeit vainly) to refuse

    To me my fair and rightful prey

    And keep their own in shape to pay;

    The preachers by example teach

    What, scorning to perform, I teach;

    And statesmen, aping me, all make

    More promises than they can break.

    Against such competition I

    Lift up a disregarded cry.

    Since all ignore my just complaint,

    By Hokey-Pokey!  I'll turn saint!"

    Now, the Republicans, who all

    Are saints, began at once to bawl

    Against his competition; so

    There was a devil of a go!

    They locked horns with him, tete-a-tete

    In acrimonious debate,

    Till Democrats, forlorn and lone,

    Had hopes of coming by their own.

    That evil to avert, in haste

    The two belligerents embraced;

    But since 'twere wicked to relax

    A tittle of the Sacred Tax,

    'Twas finally agreed to grant

    The bold Insurgent-protestant

    A bounty on each soul that fell

    Into his ineffectual Hell.

                                                            Edam Smith

n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in having accused his neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the head, so that one side of the head fell upon one shoulder and the other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that being only an inference.
n. Ennui, the state or condition of one that is bored. Many fanciful derivations of the word have been affirmed, but so high an authority as Father Jape says that it comes from a very obvious source -- the first words of the ancient Latin hymn Te Deum Laudamus. In this apparently natural derivation there is something that saddens.
n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally.
n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell summoning us to the sacrifice.
n. A certain quality of the human hand in its relation to the coin of the realm. It attains its highest development in the hand of authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career in politics. The following illustrative lines were written of a Californian gentleman in high political preferment, who has passed to his accounting:
    Of such tenacity his grip

    That nothing from his hand can slip.

    Well-buttered eels you may o'erwhelm

    In tubs of liquid slippery-elm

    In vain -- from his detaining pinch

    They cannot struggle half an inch!

    'Tis lucky that he so is planned

    That breath he draws not with his hand,

    For if he did, so great his greed

    He'd draw his last with eager speed.

    Nay, that were well, you say.  Not so

    He'd draw but never let it go!

n. An ancient faith having all the certitude of religion and all the mystery of science. The modern Theosophist holds, with the Buddhists, that we live an incalculable number of times on this earth, in as many several bodies, because one life is not long enough for our complete spiritual development; that is, a single lifetime does not suffice for us to become as wise and good as we choose to wish to become. To be absolutely wise and good -- that is perfection; and the Theosophist is so keen-sighted as to have observed that everything desirous of improvement eventually attains perfection. Less competent observers are disposed to except cats, which seem neither wiser nor better than they were last year. The greatest and fattest of recent Theosophists was the late Madame Blavatsky, who had no cat.
n. An habiliment of the stage designed to reinforce the general acclamation of the press agent with a particular publicity. Public attention was once somewhat diverted from this garment to Miss Lillian Russell's refusal to wear it, and many were the conjectures as to her motive, the guess of Miss Pauline Hall showing a high order of ingenuity and sustained reflection. It was Miss Hall's belief that nature had not endowed Miss Russell with beautiful legs. This theory was impossible of acceptance by the male understanding, but the conception of a faulty female leg was of so prodigious originality as to rank among the most brilliant feats of philosophical speculation! It is strange that in all the controversy regarding Miss Russell's aversion to tights no one seems to have thought to ascribe it to what was known among the ancients as "modesty." The nature of that sentiment is now imperfectly understood, and possibly incapable of exposition with the vocabulary that remains to us. The study of lost arts has, however, been recently revived and some of the arts themselves recovered. This is an epoch of renaissances, and there is ground for hope that the primitive "blush" may be dragged from its hiding-place amongst the tombs of antiquity and hissed on to the stage.
n. The House of Indifference. Tombs are now by common consent invested with a certain sanctity, but when they have been long tenanted it is considered no sin to break them open and rifle them, the famous Egyptologist, Dr. Huggyns, explaining that a tomb may be innocently "glened" as soon as its occupant is done "smellynge," the soul being then all exhaled. This reasonable view is now generally accepted by archaeologists, whereby the noble science of Curiosity has been greatly dignified.
v. To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib, or swig. In the individual, toping is regarded with disesteem, but toping nations are in the forefront of civilization and power. When pitted against the hard-drinking Christians the absemious Mahometans go down like grass before the scythe. In India one hundred thousand beef- eating and brandy-and-soda guzzling Britons hold in subjection two hundred and fifty million vegetarian abstainers of the same Aryan race. With what an easy grace the whisky-loving American pushed the temperate Spaniard out of his possessions! From the time when the Berserkers ravaged all the coasts of western Europe and lay drunk in every conquered port it has been the same way: everywhere the nations that drink too much are observed to fight rather well and not too righteously. Wherefore the estimable old ladies who abolished the canteen from the American army may justly boast of having materially augmented the nation's military power.
n. A creature thoughtfully created to supply occasion for the following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso:
                          TO MY PET TORTOISE

    My friend, you are not graceful -- not at all;

    Your gait's between a stagger and a sprawl.

    Nor are you beautiful:  your head's a snake's

    To look at, and I do not doubt it aches.

    As to your feet, they'd make an angel weep.

    'Tis true you take them in whene'er you sleep.

    No, you're not pretty, but you have, I own,

    A certain firmness -- mostly you're [sic] backbone.

    Firmness and strength (you have a giant's thews)

    Are virtues that the great know how to use --

    I wish that they did not; yet, on the whole,

    You lack -- excuse my mentioning it -- Soul.

    So, to be candid, unreserved and true,

    I'd rather you were I than I were you.

    Perhaps, however, in a time to be,

    When Man's extinct, a better world may see

    Your progeny in power and control,

    Due to the genesis and growth of Soul.

    So I salute you as a reptile grand

    Predestined to regenerate the land.

    Father of Possibilities, O deign

    To accept the homage of a dying reign!

    In the far region of the unforeknown

    I dream a tortoise upon every throne.

    I see an Emperor his head withdraw

    Into his carapace for fear of Law;

    A King who carries something else than fat,

    Howe'er acceptably he carries that;

    A President not strenuously bent

    On punishment of audible dissent --

    Who never shot (it were a vain attack)

    An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back;

    Subject and citizens that feel no need

    To make the March of Mind a wild stampede;

    All progress slow, contemplative, sedate,

    And "Take your time" the word, in Church and State.

    O Tortoise, 'tis a happy, happy dream,

    My glorious testudinous regime!

    I wish in Eden you'd brought this about

    By slouching in and chasing Adam out.

n. A tall vegetable intended by nature to serve as a penal apparatus, though through a miscarriage of justice most trees bear only a negligible fruit, or none at all. When naturally fruited, the tree is a beneficient agency of civilization and an important factor in public morals. In the stern West and the sensitive South its fruit (white and black respectively) though not eaten, is agreeable to the public taste and, though not exported, profitable to the general welfare. That the legitimate relation of the tree to justice was no discovery of Judge Lynch (who, indeed, conceded it no primacy over the lamp-post and the bridge-girder) is made plain by the following passage from Morryster, who antedated him by two centuries:
        While in yt londe I was carried to see ye Ghogo tree, whereof

    I had hearde moch talk; but sayynge yt I saw naught remarkabyll in

    it, ye hed manne of ye villayge where it grewe made answer as


        "Ye tree is not nowe in fruite, but in his seasonne you shall

    see dependynge fr. his braunches all soch as have affroynted ye

    King his Majesty."

        And I was furder tolde yt ye worde "Ghogo" sygnifyeth in yr

    tong ye same as "rapscal" in our owne.

                                               Trauvells in ye Easte

n. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors. In order to effect this purpose it is necessary to supply a contrast in the person of one who is called the defendant, the prisoner, or the accused. If the contrast is made sufficiently clear this person is made to undergo such an affliction as will give the virtuous gentlemen a comfortable sense of their immunity, added to that of their worth. In our day the accused is usually a human being, or a socialist, but in mediaeval times, animals, fishes, reptiles and insects were brought to trial. A beast that had taken human life, or practiced sorcery, was duly arrested, tried and, if condemned, put to death by the public executioner. Insects ravaging grain fields, orchards or vineyards were cited to appeal by counsel before a civil tribunal, and after testimony, argument and condemnation, if they continued in contumaciam the matter was taken to a high ecclesiastical court, where they were solemnly excommunicated and anathematized. In a street of Toledo, some pigs that had wickedly run between the viceroy's legs, upsetting him, were arrested on a warrant, tried and punished. In Naples and ass was condemned to be burned at the stake, but the sentence appears not to have been executed. D'Addosio relates from the court records many trials of pigs, bulls, horses, cocks, dogs, goats, etc., greatly, it is believed, to the betterment of their conduct and morals. In 1451 a suit was brought against the leeches infesting some ponds about Berne, and the Bishop of Lausanne, instructed by the faculty of Heidelberg University, directed that some of "the aquatic worms" be brought before the local magistracy. This was done and the leeches, both present and absent, were ordered to leave the places that they had infested within three days on pain of incurring "the malediction of God." In the voluminous records of this cause celebre nothing is found to show whether the offenders braved the punishment, or departed forthwith out of that inhospitable jurisdiction.
n. The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy.
    Moses Mendlessohn having fallen ill sent for a Christian

physician, who at once diagnosed the philosopher's disorder as

trichinosis, but tactfully gave it another name.  "You need and

immediate change of diet," he said; "you must eat six ounces of pork

every other day."

    "Pork?" shrieked the patient -- "pork?  Nothing shall induce me to

touch it!"

    "Do you mean that?" the doctor gravely asked.

    "I swear it!"

    "Good! -- then I will undertake to cure you."

n. In the multiplex theism of certain Christian churches, three entirely distinct deities consistent with only one. Subordinate deities of the polytheistic faith, such as devils and angels, are not dowered with the power of combination, and must urge individually their clames to adoration and propitiation. The Trinity is one of the most sublime mysteries of our holy religion. In rejecting it because it is incomprehensible, Unitarians betray their inadequate sense of theological fundamentals. In religion we believe only what we do not understand, except in the instance of an intelligible doctrine that contradicts an incomprehensible one. In that case we believe the former as a part of the latter.
n. Specifically, a cave-dweller of the paleolithic period, after the Tree and before the Flat. A famous community of troglodytes dwelt with David in the Cave of Adullam. The colony consisted of "every one that was in distress, and every one that was in debt, and every one that was discontented" -- in brief, all the Socialists of Judah.
n. Friendship.
n. An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance. Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the most ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of existing with increasing activity to the end of time.
adj. Dumb and illiterate.
n. In American politics, a large corporation composed in greater part of thrifty working men, widows of small means, orphans in the care of guardians and the courts, with many similar malefactors and public enemies.
n. A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude. Incidentally, it is pretty good eating.
adv. Once too often.
n. Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroying civilization and enlightenment, despite their obvious agency in this incomparable dictionary.
n. An African insect (Glossina morsitans) whose bite is commonly regarded as nature's most efficacious remedy for insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the American novelist (Mendax interminabilis).

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n. The gift or power of being in all places at one time, but not in all places at all times, which is omnipresence, an attribute of God and the luminiferous ether only. This important distinction between ubiquity and omnipresence was not clear to the mediaeval Church and there was much bloodshed about it. Certain Lutherans, who affirmed the presence everywhere of Christ's body were known as Ubiquitarians. For this error they were doubtless damned, for Christ's body is present only in the eucharist, though that sacrament may be performed in more than one place simultaneously. In recent times ubiquity has not always been understood -- not even by Sir Boyle Roche, for example, who held that a man cannot be in two places at once unless he is a bird.
n. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue without humility.
n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions.
    Having received an ultimatum from Austria, the Turkish Ministry

met to consider it.

    "O servant of the Prophet," said the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk

to the Mamoosh of the Invincible Army, "how many unconquerable

soldiers have we in arms?"

    "Upholder of the Faith," that dignitary replied after examining

his memoranda, "they are in numbers as the leaves of the forest!"

    "And how many impenetrable battleships strike terror to the hearts

of all Christian swine?" he asked the Imaum of the Ever Victorious


    "Uncle of the Full Moon," was the reply, "deign to know that they

are as the waves of the ocean, the sands of the desert and the stars

of Heaven!"

    For eight hours the broad brow of the Sheik of the Imperial

Chibouk was corrugated with evidences of deep thought:  he was

calculating the chances of war.  Then, "Sons of angels," he said, "the

die is cast!  I shall suggest to the Ulema of the Imperial Ear that he

advise inaction.  In the name of Allah, the council is adjourned."

adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.
n. An oiling, or greasing. The rite of extreme unction consists in touching with oil consecrated by a bishop several parts of the body of one engaged in dying. Marbury relates that after the rite had been administered to a certain wicked English nobleman it was discovered that the oil had not been properly consecrated and no other could be obtained. When informed of this the sick man said in anger: "Then I'll be damned if I die!"
    "My son," said the priest, "this is what we fear."

n. A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to know a house from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature and laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and Kant, who lived in a horse.
    His understanding was so keen

    That all things which he'd felt, heard, seen,

    He could interpret without fail

    If he was in or out of jail.

    He wrote at Inspiration's call

    Deep disquisitions on them all,

    Then, pent at last in an asylum,

    Performed the service to compile 'em.

    So great a writer, all men swore,

    They never had not read before.

                                                       Jorrock Wormley

n. One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian.
n. One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of another faith.
n. The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is heard in the words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not consistent with disregard of the rights of others.
    The owner of a powder mill

    Was musing on a distant hill --

        Something his mind foreboded --

    When from the cloudless sky there fell

    A deviled human kidney!  Well,

        The man's mill had exploded.

    His hat he lifted from his head;

    "I beg your pardon, sir," he said;

        "I didn't know 'twas loaded."


n. The First Person of the literary Trinity, the Second and Third being Custom and Conventionality. Imbued with a decent reverence for this Holy Triad an industrious writer may hope to produce books that will live as long as the fashion.
n. A perverted affection that has strayed to one's own wife.



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